Keys to Great Relationships

Galatians 6:7-10

Guaranteed!

Just as God created physical laws in the universe, so He created moral laws. Both sets of laws have guaranteed, automatic consequences built in. For example, stick your hand in a fire and the guaranteed consequence is a burned hand. God doesn’t need to decide each time one of us puts our hand in a flame whether or not to give us the consequence—it’s built in. Jump off a high building and the automatic consequence is . . . well, you can guess.

We all know about physical laws and the fact that you can’t get around them. Gravity works every time–guaranteed! But God also built the same automatic consequences into His moral laws. You can’t get around God’s moral laws or stop them from happening, any more than you can stop gravity from happening. God’s moral laws work every time–guaranteed! Galatians 6:7-10 lists one of those guaranteed moral laws—“A man reaps what he sows.”

Galatians 6:7-10–“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

King Solomon also knew the principle of “you reap what you sow” and applied it to the issue of hard work in Proverbs 6:10-11–“A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest—and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man.” Sow sleep; reap reductions. That’s good for the waistline, but bad for the pocketbook.

Jesus applied the opposite version (“what you sow is what you reap”) to the area of relationships in Luke 6:37-38–“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you…. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” He gave two negative applications—judging and condemning; and two positive applications—forgiving and giving.

Negatively:

• Sow “judging,” you will reap being “judged.”
• Sow “condemning,” you will reap being “condemned.”

Positively:

• Sow “fogiving,” you will reap being “forgiven.”
• Sow “giving,” you will reap being “given to.”

Two Negatives

Jesus counsels us: Don’t condemn and don’t judge others. If you do, the automatic consequence will be that other people will begin to notice all your faults and start telling you how wrong you are.  The law of sowing and reaping guarantees they’ll start doing the same to you.

Don’t think you ever condemn or judge other people? If asked, most of us would say we don’t. But unfortunately we do–and if we don’t check ourselves we will begin to do it quite often. Ever get into an argument with someone? After the fight, do you carry on imaginary conversations between yourself and that person? In those conversations, do you tell them how wrong they are, how they aren’t seeing things correctly, how hurtful they have been, and of course, how right you are? We all do. When we do that we are judging others. We end up making a list in our head of what the other person did wrong. We concentrate on their faults and mistakes, and we’re angry about it. That’s different than making a sober assessment of a situation or a person in order to know how to respond correctly.

So what’s the solution? Here it is: Stop concentrating on what the other person is doing wrong after a fight. (Easier said than done, right?) Stop carrying on imaginary conversations in your mind where you point out to them what they are doing wrong, and how you are right. Instead, when you get into an argument or a fight with someone else, stop at some point and seriously ask yourself, “What am I doing wrong?”, and “What do I need to do differently?”  Answer those questions, then seek to change what’s wrong about you.

Jesus put it this way: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?… First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”
(Matthew 7:3-5). In other words, don’t judge others, instead judge yourself. Don’t concentrate on what they’re doing wrong, instead think about what you did wrong–what you said that wasn’t right or that was hurtful.

Want a bad relationship? Continue condemning and judging the other person, and never look at what you’re doing wrong. Want a good relationship? The first step is to stop concentrating on what the other person is doing wrong, and start concentrating on what you have done wrong and where you need to change. God guarantees if you continue concentrating on other people’s faults, and don’t concentrate on your own faults, your relationships will end up being characterized by “judging,” instead of characterized by “giving.”

Two Positives

Want a good relationship? We recommend the two positive applications of Jesus—forgive and give. Have you ever dated? If so, you’ve already done this. You sought to “give” to the other person by going where they wanted to go, and saying and doing what would make a good impression on them. Those are examples of the “give” part of a relationship—it’s doing the things that please the other person and meets their needs.

There is an easy formula that builds relationships: “My character, your needs.” What kills a relationship is just the opposite: “My needs, your character.” Let’s explore those formulas a little more.

My Character

“My character” refers to my concentrating on what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with my character, and changing those things to please the other person. For example, in the old days when I was growing up, when a young man asked a girl out that he really liked, he tried to wear clothes that he thought she would like. He shaved, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, and as much as possible, made sure there was nothing wrong with his appearance. If by some chance she said she didn’t like the shirt he was wearing, you can bet he wouldn’t wear that shirt on their second date.

What is he doing in all of this? He’s examining himself to see if there is anything “wrong” with him–with his appearance, with how he’s acting, with what he’s saying–anything that would displease her. I’ve summed up all these things wrong about himself as “his character.” It includes his appearance, mannerisms, attitudes, actions, the way he relates to her–anything about him. He’s concentrating on his character and changing anything that’s wrong.

Do you think she’s going to like it that he’s trying to please her in this way? She’s going to love it. 

Your Needs

The other thing the young man is doing is concentrating on what she wants, what she likes, what pleases her. I’ve summed up this perspective as “your needs.” He’s trying to meet her needs by doing what makes her happy and what she likes. And you can bet, if she likes him, that she’s doing the same for him–she’s trying to do what pleases him. He’s freely giving to her, and she’s freely giving to him. She doesn’t need to ask him to pay attention to her. She doesn’t need to ask him to not wear that shirt again, or to open the car door, or to buy her flowers–he’s automatically trying to do all these things because he’s trying to please her and win her love. He wants her to think well of him and so he’s trying to meet her needs. She’s doing the same for him, and everyone is happy. Giving to the other person and meeting their needs, builds love–guaranteed! That’s the law of “reap what you sow” at work.

Summary

Let’s summarize these principles. “Start giving to the other person and meeting their needs, and stop demanding they give to you” can be summarized as “your needs,” not “my needs.” “Stop concentrating on what the other person is doing wrong, and concentrate on what you are doing wrong” can be summarized as “my character,” not “your character.” The Biblical formula is: “your needs, my character.”

The formula may sound easy, yet it’s not easy to apply–especially in long-term relationships like with a roommate or a spouse. Initially we may operate on the principle of “your needs, my character.” But soon we make an internal switch and begin watching out for our needs and trying to change the other person’s character.

This change is surprising because when people first meet or start to date they automatically apply the Biblical formula, “your needs; my character.” A guy will watch chick flicks, and say things that make her feel good (how smart and nice she is, rather than how fat and boring), because he’s trying to meet “her needs”—what she likes. What would happen if while he’s dating her he concentrated on the bad things and told her about them? She wouldn’t stay around very long. And if she doesn’t like the shirt he’s wearing (too Hawaiian), guess what? He probably won’t wear it again. He’s trying to fix “his character”—things that are “wrong” (as she defines them) about him. As he is nice to her, guess what, she will be nice to him.

But after marriage, we tend to reverse the formula. Now it becomes, “my needs; your character.” He wants to watch football, buy “toys,” and relax—i.e., “my needs.” And if she doesn’t do what he wants, he starts getting on her case (“why don’t you…”, “how come you…”)—i.e., “your character.” This pattern destroys love. The other pattern builds love. Want to have a bad marriage? Apply the formula: “my needs; your character.” Want to have a good marriage? Do the opposite: “your needs; my character.”

Let’s go back to Galatians 6:7-10 and refresh our memory of what it says: “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.”

“Sow to please [your] sinful nature” means doing things different than the way God tells us to do them. So judging, condemning, criticizing and nagging your spouse (remember the “Two Negatives”) is “sowing to please your sinful nature.” Do that and you will reap destruction—the destruction of your marriage (or any relationship).

On the other hand, “sowing to please the Spirit,” means doing things the way the Spirit tells us to do them, which is “doing good to all people.” This means applying the “Two Positives” of Jesus which are things like forgiving, giving, caring, being kind, and seeking their good.

The Movie: Fire Proof

Some of you ladies may be thinking, “If I start meeting his needs, I can guarantee you he will love it, but he won’t start meeting my needs, he’ll keep concentrating on ‘his needs,’ and ‘my character.’” That’s true. That will happen for a while. It’s why God added, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” I can guarantee you will want to give up before he changes and starts meeting your needs, (unless you’ve both read and apply this). If you’ve watched the movie, “Fire Proof,” you will remember the husband had to keep working the daily challenges long past the 40 days before his wife, suddenly changed. They had been applying the formula, “my needs; your character.” When he alone reversed the formula she eventually came around, and it revolutionized their marriage.

Begin giving to your spouse, your roommate, or your coworker, (“their needs”), and stop concentrating on what they are doing wrong. Instead, concentrate on what you are doing wrong and how you can change (“my character”). Concentrate also on how you can give to other people. Over time your relationships will dramatically improve. This Biblical formula can revolutionize any relationship.